Different

Warning: not a happy post, but needs to be acknowledged.

I thought it would be different this time around. That's what people say about having a second child...they say it's always different than the first one. Either the child is more mellow (or less mellow) or they sleep better (or worse),etc. So, that's how I had it decided in my head...that Piper would be different than Morgan. She is different in many ways, but to my disappointment my personal experience has been the same as it was with Morgan.

Again, I've been suffering with Post-Partum Depression. Mine seems to manifest in the worst way, depression with anxiety. This time I tried to avoid it by getting on medication earlier, but I've still had the same debilitating feelings as last time around. Possibly it's because of an additional medication I've been on to help milk production (now switched to another with less side effects). I should know soon if the anxiety ebbs. Yesterday I tried to put the way I've been feeling in words other than "feeling like I'm constantly going to throw up" or just feeling "awful." I finally decided it felt like "I'm never going to feel OK again." That is about the worst feeling ever. You just can't find a way to relax or at times, to even breathe evenly. The sleep deprivation adds to the misery too.

At least I know it passes. Colicky babies like Morgan, and now Piper, grow out of it and they start to sleep in longer stretches. It happens, but it takes time. When you have the amount of anxiety I have, time passes very slowly and you have to concentrate very hard to get through each day. Luckily I've had lots of help and more help on the way. My sister is here this weekend and my Mom is coming back on Tuesday morning. I don't know what I'd do without their generosity. David had to go out of town for work two days last week and is leaving this afternoon for another overnight trip. Though I posted good things last week when I was on my own, they were tough days and made it clear that I'm not yet ready to be on my own.

That said, asking for help is hard. You want to do it on your own, to "power through it", to "grin and bear it," but you also have to know when you've reached your limit. When I again got to that place where I somehow "understood" the thinking of my maternal grandmother, who took her own life when my Mom was a baby, I knew I needed to call in reinforcements. (Sorry to mention this Mom, but family history is a reality for me). I love my babies fiercely and I have loved seeing Morgan grow from a colicky little creature to the joy of our lives. This will happen with Piper too. She is on the verge of starting to show her personality and we will start to reap the rewards of our hard work (feeding, lulling to sleep, quieting colicky cries) soon. It's just so hard when you're in the thick of it. We will pass through and come out the other side. A few more weeks...I promise to keep you posted.