Per my post yesterday, on Tuesday morning I had an epiphany...
...I am riding the "crazy train."
I realize I've been completely obsessed with breastfeeding my child (I'm sure you got the idea from Tuesday's update). I did acknowledge that there are other things I need to focus my mental and emotional energy on. It just really hit home with my little breakdown the other morning.
I also thought of an analogy for how I'm dealing with breastfeeding. This one just shocked me. It's like a bad boyfriend I won't break up with. Isn't that terrible?! It's that relationship that is full of worry and stress and unfulfilled expectations, trying to be with someone who is just not right for you... all in the effort for those few and far between "moments" that are good. Or...you stay in it just so you can say you are in a relationship. Then the more you fight the reality of it, the more the bad boyfriend starts to resent you...then you are the one that gets dumped instead of the other way around. Wow.
Breastfeeding is supposed to be a wonderful bonding experience, but for me most of the time it's not. The only time I feel that bonding is when Piper falls asleep in my arms while nursing. This happens maybe twice a day, but most of the time I'm fighting what a friend calls the "scratch and grab" because she's not getting enough milk. Is that really worth the craziness? I know breast milk is the best for my baby, but a sane mommy is even better, right?
I have a lot of friends who have had low milk supply issues or other issues with breastfeeding and they simply decide to quit or just not do it...and they're fine with it. I think to myself, how can they do that so easily? No big deal, I'll just go the formula route. It's simple...unlike me, they do not ride the "crazy train." I think this is a combination of stubbornness, competitiveness and my family background of addiction and depression. I've found myself on the crazy train in so many situations in my life, relationships, career, it's just the way I operate. Somehow I relate breastfeeding my child to being a good mom and if I can't do it, I'm some how "less than." I really think it's time to get off the train, don't you? Can I really do it? Can I break up with the bad boyfriend and take matters into my own hands? Believe me, this one is going to be mulled over for the next few days. The first step is acknowledging the problem right? Maybe I'm finally on the right path.